Press Releases of Evil
by Davin Sunrider
Summary: Frustrated with his inability to get American voters to take him seriously, the Dark Lord Ganondorf has stolen the world reserves of chocolate. Exclusive interview inside.
1. Ganon Plans to Kidnap Kate

**GANON PLANS TO KIDNAP KATE**

(AP) CASTLE TOWN, HYRULE

In a statement released today, the King of Evil, Ganondorf, announced his plans to kidnap Princess Catherine at some point during the royal honeymoon.

"I just feel like it's something I should do," the Dark Lord told reporters. "It's been almost five years since I kidnapped a princess, and England seems like it'd be nice to invade this time of year. Plus, Zelda won't return my calls, and Kate kind of looks like her, don't you think?"

I was able to secure an exclusive interview with Ganondorf, who elaborated on his plans.

**How do you plan to carry out this kidnapping?**

Ganondorf: "I was thinking maybe I'd have a giant bird swoop down and snatch Kate out of the carriage or something. Or, and this might be fun, I might just walk in during one of those banquets they're always having, beat up a few guards, and toss her over my shoulder. That seems to work pretty well."

**What are your plans for the Princess?**

"Well, I've got a castle in Bavaria I recently got real cheap from Nicolas Cage, so I figure I'd hold Kate there and set up some quest-type things for Prince William to do in order to get her back. I kidnapped his grandmother once back when she was a Princess, so she ought to be able to give him some sage advice and whatnot. I bet he can even get his dad to loan him Camilla as his trusty steed." *laughs*

**Could you elaborate on the obstacles you'll be putting in Prince William's way?**

"Oh, giant spiders, tentacle monsters, hundred-foot snakes, that sort of thing. Maybe a Darknut or two. William is a helicopter pilot, though, so I figure I'll send a swarm of dragons and evil birds at him. It ought to be pretty cool to watch. But I'll make sure he has to do some sword-work, too; he should be able to find at least one he can actually fight with somewhere in that palace of his.

"I figure I'll pretend to not notice when Kate uses her magic powers to contact him, so that he doesn't get too lost on the way. There's nothing more boring than waiting for the Hero to show up, you know. I mean honestly, sometimes it takes those guys _days _to get through dungeons I tossed together in half an hour. It seriously makes me wonder how they keep beating me."

**Plans for England, in case William isn't successful?**

"You know, the usual; I'll turn it into a blighted wasteland, perpetually covered by clouds. Basically make it just like Scotland, really." *laughs* "I kid the people of Scotland; it's actually quite a lovely place. Don't quote me on this, but those guys get kind of grouchy, know what I mean?"

**I'm of primarily Scottish descent, myself, actually. I ought to give ya a Glasgow Handshake, ya bastard. So, any final thoughts?**

"As added incentive for William to hurry up, I figure I'll keep Kate chained to my evil throne, maybe in a nice metal bikini or something." *growls suggestively, waggles eyebrows*

**How appropriately evil. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us, Your Evilness.**

"My pleasure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd better go get started. I've managed to convince Harry this is a prank I'm playing on his brother, so he says he'll help me out."

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><p>Author's Note: 'Glasgow Handshake'(via Urban Dictionary . com): "To headbutt someone. See also 'Glasgow Kiss'. Popular in Scotland, apparently."<p>

You know I had to do something like this. ;P


	2. Ganon Plans Presidential Run

**GANON PLANS PRESIDENTIAL RUN**

(AP) CASTLE TOWN, HYRULE

Just days after his announcement of plans to kidnap Princess Catherine, the Dark Lord Ganondorf issued a statement today outlining his intention to run for President of the United States in 2012.

"I plan to run on the Team Ganondorf ticket," the King of Evil told reporters. "Membership is open to anyone who would like to see America run by a brutal dictatorship based on blasting the hell out of anyone who annoys me."

I was again able to secure an exclusive interview.

**Have you decided on a running mate?**

Ganondorf: "I've narrowed it down to Dark Link and Zant; it'll definitely be one of the two of them. I'll decide based on which one manages to convince Princess Zelda to be First Lady."

**Could you tell us some of your policies?**

"As I said to the other reporters, I'll be brutally punishing anyone who disagrees with me, so that should cut down on all the partisan bickering. My plan for health care is to turn everyone who doesn't join Team Ganondorf into Stalfos, ReDeads, Moblins, and the like. Loyal members of Team Ganondorf will of course be receiving immortality similar to my own."

**Foreign policy?**

"Conquer the planet and subjugate everyone. I'm an equal opportunity conqueror; I'll simply kill or enslave anyone who doesn't join Team Ganondorf."

**I see. Is there anything else you'd like to tell our readers?**

"If elected, I plan to move the White House to Mount Saint Helens and rename it 'Ganon's Castle'. Also, the color green will be strictly forbidden; I'll be instituting a nation-wide dress code of black plate armor, bikini-style for women if they so choose. Cloaks are mandatory, as is instruction in the use of medieval weapons."

**Lucky for me, I happen to already have a large collection of swords. Thanks for another disturbing interview, Your Evilness.**

"You bet. I've gotta go anyway; Trump is demanding to see my birth certificate. I've got it right HERE!" *summons ball of dark fire above hand, laughs maniacally*

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><p>Author's Note: I decided this was too much fun to leave it as just a oneshot, hence the title change. This was inspired by HAL-9001's review of the first one. Got a suggestion for a future Evil Press Release? Put it in your review, and I'll credit you if I use it. Till next time!<p> 


	3. Ganon Steals World's Chocolate

**GANON STEALS WORLD'S CHOCOLATE**

(AP) CASTLE TOWN, HYRULE

Frustrated with his inability to get American voters to take him seriously despite so many other candidates that are clearly more ridiculous, the Dark Lord Ganondorf has seized the world reserves of chocolate. Using his evil sorcery, the Dark Lord has stolen every bit of chocolate and its vital ingredients and is holding them in an unknown location until all world governments acknowledge him as Earth's Supreme Tyrannical Overlord.

Ganondorf, looking a tad overweight and with chocolate stains still in his beard, once again agreed to give an exclusive interview for our readers.

**I'm not surprised you'd do something like this, but why chocolate?**

Ganondorf: "Have you ever actually had any of this stuff? This is quite possibly the best-tasting thing in the entire world. The only other thing I could have taken to guarantee a quick conquest would be coffee, though that wouldn't work on the British, so I'd have to take their tea. And you don't take tea from the British."

**Seriously, you could have taken anything. Chocolate?**

"Think about it. How long can you really live without chocolate once you've had it? All of Earth will be submitting any time now, just so I'll give it back." *waves chocolate bar under reporter's nose*

**Give me that! I haven't had any chocolate in three weeks and I'm going crazy!**

*yanks out of reach* "No. See?"

**You're right. Diabolical fiend...**

"They don't call me the King of Evil for nothing."

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><p>Author's Note: There are some types of evil too horrible to contemplate... ;P<p>

I actually wrote this a while ago; I just forgot to post it here until today. Sorry about that.


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